Long is the way And hard......

wow...i'm a loser. i said i'd still use this livejournal name...but...i never do. eh...i suck. guess i'll just use it now for artwork/picture stuff/poetry. yay for me!

I <3 YOU, RICKY!!!!! you make me so happy, my love. xoxoxoxoxo

lastnight...was so cool.

gregg stayed the night (he's really fun to sleep with, when he DOESN'T snore his ass off. ^_^). we sat up all night watching napoleon dynamite and sttuuuufff. it kicked a lot of ass. we also went to sean's so gregg and sean could smoke together. it was pretty fucking cool. i like having friends that don't shit talk me behind my back (i'm not naming anyone. if i hang out with you, still...it's not you).

sooooooo yea. gregg is taking me to a show on the 11th in orlando, and we are gunna stay the night up there with some of his friends.

my temp is 100 degrees. eegads. being sick is a BITCH.

dear evan:

congratulations...your a creep. stop commenting on my journal. thanks

i need some money, so i can buy some patches + a pair of kneehigh docs + some creepers. <3<3<3<3 best website...EVER

school sucked. i kept dozing off. but then mrs. leffingwell and fucking "bob" got louder with their little debate that they have EVERY FUCKING TIME, and i'd snap back to reality. assholes...

matt #5 is a piece of shit. i hung up on his gay ass, lastnight, and when he called back, bob picked up, said "fuck off", and hung up. hahahahahahaha. that's my brother!!! <3<3<3

my dad likes gregg. 0_0 my dad HATES most guys. he only really likes gregg and curtis. haha. i was like whoa...that's...weird....

the creepiest thing EVER is...he looks like bob when he's sleeping. >_< hahahaha. i mean...if bob still had his mohawk, that is. crazy shit...

i'm cutting my hair. i'm not telling anyone what i'm doing, until i do it. cause i don't even know, yet. it will most likely be a drunken kinda thing. now...most of you might think "dude...your hair is like...2 or 3 inches long...what's the most you COULD do with it?". but i have quite a few ideas. i just don't know which one to do, yet.

thursday = gregg + nick + me + hopefully becca, if she wants to come = gregg and nick get their paychecks, then going to melbourne mall to get some cd's and shizzle and then getting a bottle...or 5. hehehe. yay...

i miss my baby, lauren. she's such a sweetie. i wanna see her more often, but she works a lot. :0(

ok..that's all

oh yea...ally...i love you. and your jacket. ;0)

and miranda...i love you, too, baby. what you said at the mall made me smile for like...3 hours. teehee. <3<3<3<3

to you:

i really think it's great that your SO utterly obsessed with me that you'd make an ENTIRE entry about me, even when you didn't know for sure if i'd ever even READ your journal! that's so cute, i swear! no seriously, hun...you should probably think twice about how mature you'll end up seeming when you do something like that. especially when the topic your bitching about is NONE of your business. and...um...your a hypocrite. :0) honestly...your what..17? 18? your not in middleschool, anymore. shit talking and gossip shouldn't be all your life revolves around, anymore. but...whatever makes you happy, i say. and if this shit is making you happy...you are kinda sick, but that's not my business.

anyway...onto other things...

i'm at josh's (GASP!!!!!! i MUST be up to SOMETHING seductive and skanky!). hahahahaha. kirk came over. for like...10 minutes. and then left to go to ryan's. 0_o i guess josh and i are gunna have a little "get together", this weeked, and maybe have kirk over again. and try to keep him here for a bit longer, this time.

i think i'm going to stay over at lauren and marissa's, this weekend, as well. marissa told me i should come and hang out, sometime. ^_^

i dyed my hair blue. it looks pretty kickass. i couldn't leave it in for too long, cause i thought i was leaving...so i rushed to wash it out, and never ended up GOING anywhere. what a jip. but...yea...it still took to the dye quite nicely.

MIRANDA, WHERE WERE YOU, ALL DAY!?!?!?! :0( </3</3</3 so...um...yea...getting my tattoos soon, hopefully. if that asshole jesse ever stops fucking moving around. bitchass motherfucker...

k..i'm gunna describe my night in detail for you all, now.

went to the mall to see my lover. <3 we hung out all day. i really hope she wasn't bored. because i sure as hell had an awesome time. <3<3<3<3 we met up with liz, later on. mir and liz got bras from victoria's secret. hahaha. miranda looks so sexy in her's. ^_^ i also got to talk to marissa for a while (i got her's and lauren's number...i'll probably take a trip out to wabasso to maybe spend the night, sometime).

it was when i left that everything went down hill. i got to josh's, and rita, corey, and dayna all followed. anyhoo...i went online, read a few journals that i shouldn't have, and found out some shit that i could have gone without finding out (atleast not from the journals...from the people themselves, YES). though i forgive both of them, as much as humanly possible. i love you josh, and i love you rita. you guys are awesome, and i'd never hate either of you. amanda...she's another story. she's been shit talking me just for the pure joy of it. as if she's NEVER done anything wrong. HAHAHAHAHAHAH hahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahHhahahahaha!!!!! YEA OK!!!!! what the fuck ever. i'm gunna just drop that part of it, before i get pissed again.

anyway...i was trying my hardest not to go hang myself from a tree. instead i went to the main office, and tried to fall asleep on one of the benches. it was too uncomfortable, so i came back to josh's. found a few knives...carved up my body...not fun. i look like a thanksgiving turkey, right about now. and the knives were dull...which makes it a LOT worse. hehehehe. but...oh well. anyway...i had to force myself to stop, cause every time i'd leave the room that josh was in, i'd find another knive, do it some more, and cry hysterically again. so i told josh that i wasn't leaving the room, and i'd keep my mouth shut, if i could just stay with him, and stop fucking myself up. so he said ok. we ended up talking, and working shit out. it's all good. i just feel like a total fucking moron.

i wish i was as pretty as she is. i miss him saying i'm sexy. i really do...

anyway...guess i'm going to the mall, in a while. then hopefully to lauren's. i really wanna see her. really badly. <3<3<3<3<3

jee, thanks becca. you slept all fucking day, so i didn't even get to SEE you. ::cough::bitch::cough::. hahahaha.

k...i'm gunna go, now.

this is killing me. no more negativeness, please. i can't handle it, anymore. it's killing me. it hurts, so much.

he's still a part of me. even if we broke up. and this hurts so fucking much. i've never actually felt this much pain, heartbreak, and simpathy mixed all in one. i wish i could die. fast, slow, painful, painless...i don't fucking care.

i had the pills an inch away from my mouth, the other night. why didn't i do it? a few minutes of excrutiating pain, and then it's done. complete numbness. no more bitterness, hatred, negativeness, or depression. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I DO IT?

god please take me...please...it hurts so fucking much i can't breathe...

i think...people being on his side felt better. i would rather be hated than have everyone on my side hating him. please...just hate me, instead, please, please, please. it kills me to see him in pain. i don't care if we broke up...it still hurts so much.

i'll just pray my hardest tonight that, if i don't die, i won't feel.

i think i'm going to kill myself, tonight. i don't see the point in living, anymore. i haven't, for the past 3 years. but it's gotten a lot worse. so...yea...if you all never hear from me, again, then...i guess that's cool. have a nice life. i know i haven't.

i'm sorry i'm such a fucking piece of shit. i'm sorry you all hate me so much. you won't have to deal with it, anymore. if i don't kill myself, i'm not coming on here, anymore. i'm not talking to any of you, anymore. either way, you'll all be free of my shit. bye

i love you, miranda. you'd better be happy, or else i'll have to do evil things to you. ;0)

someone is going to get kicked right in the balls, if they keep hurting my baby. cause she deserves way better than that.

i'm forcing you to hang out with me, this week, love. because i miss you. <3

miranda is the sexiest fucking thing on earth, and i'm one lucky bitch. teehee!!!

yesterday was nolan's funeral. it was the biggest, most amazing funeral i've ever been to. i've never seen so many people gather in one place to both mourn for the loss of a beautiful person, and also celebrate his life. it was incredible. nolan was an incredible person...i don't remember him being mean to me, or betraying me even ONCE. this week i'm getting his initials tattooed on both sides of my back. i don't quite give a flying fuck if any of you think that's stupid. maybe it's because you never got to know nolan as well as a few of us were fortunate enough to do so. he's one of those people that you feel so blessed to have met. and i want to show my love for him in a way that will never fade. :0)

after his funeral, i went to joe's. there were a lot of people there. among them were katie, christin, jaime, christina, jon, pj, rilla, lauren, joe, tabby, kim, justin, curtis (who came with me), mia (who owns all the property), bobo, and a shitload of other people came and went. basically all i did was get completely smashed (7 or so shots of vodka, and about 3 or 4 shots of jager). it was...odd. but i liked it. i liked being around a lot of other people who felt the same way as me. i liked seeing the raw passion of a group of people who have all lost someone they love...someone extremely important to them.

i got ditched, again, today. when will this stop? am i that terrible of a person to be around?? guess so...

go back to work, tomorrow. um...yay. not.

the past week has been a haze. i can't even THINK, anymore. since all of SEBASTIAN knows (and feels the need to keep on spreading the fucking word), guess i'll just explain...

josh and i broke up. at first we were ok with it, and we were friends, because we were gunna get back together and everything. and now he hates me. i still want to be with him (someday...if he can ever forgive me). but i doubt that he feels the same way. in fact...matt and amanda are currently trying to find him a new girlfriend. everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) hates me. besides maybe kirk and bobby. i even feel like they hate me, though. ugh. oh my god. people have been fucking calling me a slut, telling me off, throwing shit at me, and spreading rumours about me. i'm so done with it. what's my fucking business, is MY FUCKING BUSINESS. i tried calling amanda, and she got an attitude with me. oh well. i really don't care. if she wants to fucking hate me for making some bad fucking decisions, she can. though i've got a LOT of fucking shit on her. ooooooh holy fucking shit, do i have a lot on her. i have things on her that would make peoples fucking STOMACHES turn. but...i won't go into that. because, i, for one, don't feel the need to spread fucking crap about people, and shit talk them behind their backs just to feel better. whatever. you can all fucking kiss my ass, for all i care. have a nice fucking life. i feel like this is just a lauren tirro situation ALL over again....

i still love him. i just wish that things would have turned out, differently. i guess it's time to move on, since he told me flat out "fuck off...i hate you". i just wasn't prepared to have the only person that ever cared about me, turn completely against me. lifes a bitch...

the only people that even showed remote fucking caring for the situation were miranda, curtis, and ally. nice to know that i have friends. oh well. 3 true friends are better than 50 fake friends.

on a lighter note, my classes are going quite well, this semester. just thought i'd let you all know.

thanks vero and sebastian. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

sincerely,

the slut

oh yea...( to all of you )

( stolen from Kitty <3 )

mmmmmkkkk...the shows i have in my options list, so far...:

Soulfly: September 23th (and 26th). DEFINITELY going to this one

Cannibal Corpse: November 24th. REALLY wanna go to this one

Social Distortion: October 9th. very good band...but i dunno if i'm gunna go to it

Motograter+Dope+Twisted Method: November 3rd. i would LOVE to go to this one. so...that's probably a yes.

k. so...i guess that all makes up for ozzfest. hehehehe

me+courtney+nick+josh = going to TTM 2 (TurnTable Massacre 2), VERY HOPEFULLY. it's an all ages rave event in central florida, on halloween eve. OVER 40 FUCKING DJS AND LIVE ACTS. all-night-fucking-long. ::dies::. i swear i will fucking cry with joy if i can go to this. and we will be in the AREA around then, so why not?! ::prays::

it's justin's birthday, today. it's cool, cause i know it's been a good birthday for him and stuff...and i'm happy that he's having a good day. i just...feel kinda depressed, cause i highly doubt mine will be good, at all. the past 2 birthday's have been completely ruined by something completely rediculous. why shouldn't this next one be just the same? ::sighs::. i just hate feeling so pessimistic, all the time.

i'm still kinda sick. which sucks...but...oh well. it's not that bad. :0)

i think i might be actually getting a new fucking pair of shoes, tomorrow. HOLY FUCKING CRAP! hehehe. no more sore arches from walking around all day without padded shoes...

i need to buy school supplies. AND MY SCHOOL BOOK. i guess i'm getting that stuff, tomorrow, as well.

ok...so...once again...we aren't going to the concert we wanted to go to. no ozzfest, this year. :0( mom said it would be better just to plan for next year, and stuff, that way her and dad could get a hotel room, and everything would work out a little better. arrrggghhh!!! i made josh PROMISE me we could go to see soulfly, next month, though. cause they kick ass. so...i guess it's not ALL that bad. ^_^

um....i'm really fucking bored, right now. i'm thinking about calling someone, and telling them to come rescue me. haha. but...i'll probably just be a jackass, and sit around all day, as i always do. ugh....

this halloween, i wanna do something REALLY fun. last year, all we did was went to amanda's party. which would have been AWESOME had i not been depressed the whole time, while everyone else was off getting high. i just sat in the road, with a bottle of wine, flipping people off while they drove down the road. :0\ i really don't want it to be like that, this year. i wanna do something cool. and i'm NOT going to hang out with any fucking buzz kills. cause i know how THAT would turn out. i'll probably just hang out with a few people (just a small group of friends, that i trust not to fuck the night up), and just have fun for once. :0)

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH! josh's birthday is coming up REALLY soon, and i have NO idea what i'm doing for him. 0_0 i really need to start working on shit for him...

aaaanyway....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUSTIN!!!

ok...the friends cut. there's a few people that i THOUGHT would wanna be kept, that didn't comment. so...bye bye! if you are really distraught over being cut (which i'm sure you won't be, because apparently you don't read my journal anymore, because i'm not "worthy of your attention"), then just comment, and i'll put you back on. (btw, if this all sounded bitchy, it probably wasn't aimed at you...i have someone very specific in mind.)

people that are being kept so far:

Ashley B.

Ashpea

Courtney

Olivia

Nika

Jordan

Diana

Peter

Katie (hasn't commented, but she never goes online)

Oz (hasn't commented, but he doesn't have a computer)

Ally and Aj

and Josh

as i said...anyone else that wants to be kept, comment. since this is public, and all.

i'm in a good mood, i just wanted to get this out. ^_^

( here we go again )

yay! just promoting a good site....::shrugs::

( i want to piss on you... )

wow.....ok....

i think i'm sick. i need to go back to sleep. after i bleach and dye my hair. for REAL this time!!!!

::humps the computer chair::. ok...sorry...i'm in a REALLY fucking gay mood.

i fucking wanted to hang out with ally and aj, today. but...now i fucking CAN'T. stupidness. argh. i'm forcing them to hang out with me sometime this week though. fo shizzle. AND STUFF!!!! AND JUNK!!! right, courtney? stuff and junk? (btw courtney, i wanna hang out, soon. hehehehehehe i'll call you. or...something)

ok, i'm done being an idiot, as much as you all LOVE it, right? fucking PSH....

well. i got a new livejournal. i got tired of the old one and i switched its name around. i also made myself a layout i like quite a bit. i added people fof jessys sn whos journal i read. you dont have to add me back of you dont want to. but if anyone does. i dont mind.

josh

( emo glory...or something... )

grosssssss!!!!!!

then..

mm sexy

now..


noooooooooo


at least theyre getting back together to make another album, eventually.....

went to the mall tonight. me bob and jessy hung out with kitty the whole time. no one else came, really.it was like, hella fun tho. i sprayed my shoulder with some good smelling perfume. and got a nutsack thrown at me. and got another controller from eb and jessy got some balls for her body jewelry. we then went to wendys after post hopping and got some food. and they used this shit brown toiletbowl brush to clean out the fryer. if it was shit or grease, it was still really gross. and the people in front of me smelled funny =( and kitty did the snort and almost choked on her food. were hanging out with her soon. she rocks.i love you jessy. so very much.our anniverserys next saturday *dances*


Maybe departure’s good
Makes room for more
Start to mass produce
For a chance to ignore
Maybe you’ll kill yourself
Before I get a turn
Maybe I’ll fall in love
And never learn

yeah, some pictures..


sexy jessy


gettin sexy with it..lol



i dont really know what to say about this one..lol


mike loves the weiner *nods*


eew a used condom..lol


teh kitteh


and again

sorry these are so big, and theres not a link and theyre in the entry page. but its my first time posting pictures. goddamnit.i think mike is going to the dsa show with us in july. but im not sure. jessy mike and kitty and i basically walked around the mall.we went into the good smelling store and harassed the weight scale. we also went into spencers and fooled around with the genitalia section. then we went to wendys and found a watch i gave mike and bought two cheeseburgers. we cut them in halves and everyone had one. it was fun.lol